People are pushing me to do Pan Ams. I am considering being pushed. Airfare's about $250, entry is about $100. If I work 4 consecutive 12 hour days there for IBJJF I can make just shy of that amount.
The stupid thing is I know I'll get there and be so freaking unhappy. I can't crack it-- it's not nerves per se. I'm not afraid of being hurt, or of being laughed at... I think it's part fear of people watching and seeing me be pwned and saying "awww, well everyone has a bad day" like I did at times. Or maybe I am just plain afraid of losing.
I think more it's fear of losing and then people thinking "Oh, we thought she was all good and stuff. She's not that good. In fact she's only good when she only has two matches, when it's local, when it's random, when it's not the best blues fighting each other."
I'm afraid of other people making the excuses for me that *I* make when I am uncomfortable regarding my success. Ultimately I don't think my successes are a valid measure of my merit or skill as a grappler. I continually put down my victories at least in my mind-- well, it's not like the guys who have 8 matches to get gold... it's not like guys who deal with wrestlers and judokas... or I pick apart my matches and constantly criticize. Crappy technique, cruddy positioning, no base, hips high, can't hold side to save my life, on and on and on. I'm afraid that if people see me compete at a quality tournament they'll see through my bullshit and know that I suck.
But we'll see.