Wednesday, March 10, 2010

So what's next?

People are pushing me to do Pan Ams. I am considering being pushed. Airfare's about $250, entry is about $100. If I work 4 consecutive 12 hour days there for IBJJF I can make just shy of that amount.

The stupid thing is I know I'll get there and be so freaking unhappy. I can't crack it-- it's not nerves per se. I'm not afraid of being hurt, or of being laughed at... I think it's part fear of people watching and seeing me be pwned and saying "awww, well everyone has a bad day" like I did at times. Or maybe I am just plain afraid of losing.

I think more it's fear of losing and then people thinking "Oh, we thought she was all good and stuff. She's not that good. In fact she's only good when she only has two matches, when it's local, when it's random, when it's not the best blues fighting each other."

I'm afraid of other people making the excuses for me that *I* make when I am uncomfortable regarding my success. Ultimately I don't think my successes are a valid measure of my merit or skill as a grappler. I continually put down my victories at least in my mind-- well, it's not like the guys who have 8 matches to get gold... it's not like guys who deal with wrestlers and judokas... or I pick apart my matches and constantly criticize. Crappy technique, cruddy positioning, no base, hips high, can't hold side to save my life, on and on and on. I'm afraid that if people see me compete at a quality tournament they'll see through my bullshit and know that I suck.

But we'll see.

8 comments:

The Part Time Grappler said...

I know how I define my own success. I guess that's something we each need to do for our own games.

Having said that, I am an objective person. I believe that BJJ is so wonderful because it's based on objective principles of motion, levers and strategy. If you spend a portion of your life studying, understanding and playing with them then you are a winner. No one's perception can ever change that.

Dev said...

If you sit around and worry about people criticizing you, you'll never leave your house. If you want to ride a little success and you've already said you're interested in going, then what you're saying here is that the only thing stopping you is what people MIGHT think if you MIGHT lose? Seriously? Re-read your own post and tell me what you would say if I wrote that instead of you.

I'll never tell someone to go to a competition if they don't want to, but in this case, it seems like you want to. You're not doing this BJJ stuff for me, or for anyone else out there - you're doing it for you.

And while I'm not making any excuses beforehand - I'll be the first person to tell you you looked like shit out there, if that will make you feel better - people DO have bad days, but more importantly, there is always someone bigger, better, faster and stronger. If there wasn't we wouldn't need these crazy belts. My thought is this, though - if someone's going to beat you, make them earn it, and make damn sure they knew they fought Georgette when it's all said and done.

leslie said...

*applauds Dev* What he said.

Megan said...

It may sound kind of masochistic, but if I find myself focusing on purely emotional threats, I imagine them at their worst, ask what the real, tangible effect will be, then compare that with the potential benefits of whatever event has me worried. I also have to remind myself that people aren't thinking about me half as much as I'm thinking about myself. All that said, I've never applied that to a BJJ event...

If you don't want to go, I say don't. The world won't end and you'll still be training. But if you do, it would be a shame to let little ideas running around in other people's heads slow you down.

John said...

I ride the same roller coaster, but that Roosevelt quote I stole from Sheldon at my Gym helps. Just substitute "Woman" wherever it says "Man" etc and your're good to go.

Don't post this if you think it's too long but I like that he awards points for the "doing".

Cheerio

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

Georgette said...

Thanks John, Dev, Liam, Megan and Leslie-- my next post (the hedgehog-y one) was aimed at ya'll ;)

Conor said...

I got some great advice the other day from my coach, Frost Murphy.

If your biggest fear of competing is losing, then there is one super-simple way to get rid of that fear... never compete.

Otherwise, you can go out and try your damnedest, and be proud of yourself at the end of the day for not only competing, but competing at the highest level.

When BJJ stops being fun, it becomes a job. Look at all of these people who win a match or stand on the podium with their head down and no expression on their face. They just did something amazing, but they don't recognize it because they have lost the fun in the art.

I'd rather have a blast getting my ass kicked by world champions, than stressing myself out over a hobby.

That is, of course, paraphrasing what Frost said, but it really struck a chord with me. I have an entirely different outlook on BJJ now. Keep smiling all the time, and you'll be fine. :)

hughfitz said...

We all go through it. Great advice from everyone. My teacher reminds me to have fun and do it despite what my mind tells me.