I'm a lazy ass.

Well, I meant to get on the mats Monday night, but failed.  I started coughing and didn't want to share [and I was tired, it was my first day doing my crossfit-esque class at noon, and was feeling comfortable at home in my fleece lounge pants and pullover, on the couch, and when you've been home from work a few hours, who wants to get back up and out the door at 7:40pm?]

And then last night, I was working later than I expected on a deadline due today at work.  [And, it was damn cold out for a softie-transplanted-Southerner like me, all the way down to 38 degrees, and our academy doesn't have heat, and I was being a big weenie, worrying I would pull a muscle because it was so cold.  And I worried that since I hadn't shaved my legs since that morning, the stubble on my shins might slice open someone's hand if they grabbed my leg, kind of like a shark's skin is said to do.  So in the interests of protecting my teammates...]

So I am officially stating for all and sundry right now... I am going to class tonight, regardless of temperature.  In fact, since I'm herding cats teaching kids' karate this evening, I won't even change out of my gi when I get home.  I will just keep it on to maintain my forward momentum to go to class.  [Maybe I should even leave the garage door open? and keep the car running? to minimize excuse-laden opportunities?]

Srsly, what is WRONG with me that I have to shake myself this hard to get my ass on the mats?  What am I afraid of?

1. I'm afraid of being out of shape and having thus become that fat, old lady.  I'm afraid that I will get super tired just during the warmup. [Though I'm only 40 and it's really not old, and there are many older than I am.  I recognize I will never get back INTO shape unless I go through the process while out of shape.  It's simple math.  The only way out is THROUGH.]
2. I'm afraid I will suck.  [But I sucked before, too.  And it's not like only people who already know everything are allowed in class.  And it's not like anyone else has any expectations of what I can or should do, besides myself.  No one probably even remembers much about my game, so if I come back not executing as well then no one will know.  And if they do, they'll also know I have been out of it for a while, and they'll be kind and supportive.]
3. I'm afraid that I have missed too much stuff that will never get taught again, and so I have permanently screwed myself because I'll never ever catch up.  I'll always be missing this crucial stuff.  [But this makes no sense, because stuff always gets retaught.  No one ever learns it all perfectly on the first go-round.  And the only way to remedy this is to get back into class, because the longer I stay out the more I miss.   And the more I miss, the more behind I am.  See #1 above.]
4. I'm afraid that people are going to laugh at me behind my back.  [Actually, I know that my teammates are kind people who wouldn't do this.  And even if they were predisposed to it, I'm hardly wearing a target on my back; I've never been the one to shoot for to make a name for yourself.  If anything I might become a learning lesson; I hope I can be another person who came back after a long layover and kept on training.  No one ever really cares whether you came back to become a world champion-- they just care that you came back and kept on keepin' on.]

Thanks for listening.  :)