After cauli ear, that ain't no thang.

Working on a "real job" project that's actually fun, and complex, and seemingly infinite; it's like a fractal. Every time I think I have resolved an argument, I see that I could go one level deeper. And every time I think I have the big picture, I step back and see that I was only working on a fraction of the whole. The downside is, I rarely want to get up from my desk and hit the gym during my lunch break. Hopefully this project wraps up in another two weeks or so.

Haven't been training much at all. I love my new academy, and I love the people there, but I feel like I'm shortchanging myself and them if I don't/can't come all the time like I used to. I've gone from training 6-7 days a week to less than 6 times a month. The classes are very carefully ordered and directed by our Master (Donald is far more than just an instructor, let's be real) and I know that when I miss a class it really hurts my comprehension and ability to perform in the next ones. This has become a death spiral-- a Zeno's Paradox of sorts. You can't attend any classes, because you can't attend them all.

I know this is false, and I know I'm only hurting myself, but I can't seem to get out of the rut and on the mat unless all the stars have aligned just right. That means work is not intruding, nor is family life, and I'm not inordinately tired, and I'm not trying to get pregnant. Because yes, I am having such a f*cking hard time getting pregnant that I am becoming "that woman"... that woman who, despite eons of human generations, is afraid that the most ordinary of activities is going to prevent reproductive success. No more caffeine, definitely no alcohol, more vitamins and supplements than a horse could swallow at once (all approved by my doctors, don't worry), and no excessive exertion during the fabled "two week wait." So half of every month is out the window. And now we're going to start some additional approaches, involving me injecting myself with stuff, so I don't know what it will do to my mental, physical or emotional status before the said two-weeks. We'll see.

It was funny though-- when I went to the class at the doctor's office on "how to give yourself injections," the other gal was all skeeved out about the shots and told her husband he'd have to do them all. She looked at me and was like, aren't you afraid?

"Uh, no, I used to have to drain my cauliflower ear all the time."

You could have heard a pin drop. Guess that's reason #846,399 I'll be the odd-mommy-out in the playgroups. If I make it to them.