And then last night, I was working later than I expected on a deadline due today at work. [And, it was damn cold out for a softie-transplanted-Southerner like me, all the way down to 38 degrees, and our academy doesn't have heat, and I was being a big weenie, worrying I would pull a muscle because it was so cold. And I worried that since I hadn't shaved my legs since that morning, the stubble on my shins might slice open someone's hand if they grabbed my leg, kind of like a shark's skin is said to do. So in the interests of protecting my teammates...]
So I am officially stating for all and sundry right now... I am going to class tonight, regardless of temperature. In fact, since I'm
Srsly, what is WRONG with me that I have to shake myself this hard to get my ass on the mats? What am I afraid of?
- I'm afraid of being out of shape and having thus become that fat, old lady. I'm afraid that I will get super tired just during the warmup. [Though I'm only 40 and it's really not old, and there are many older than I am. I recognize I will never get back INTO shape unless I go through the process while out of shape. It's simple math. The only way out is THROUGH.]
- I'm afraid I will suck. [But I sucked before, too. And it's not like only people who already know everything are allowed in class. And it's not like anyone else has any expectations of what I can or should do, besides myself. No one probably even remembers much about my game, so if I come back not executing as well then no one will know. And if they do, they'll also know I have been out of it for a while, and they'll be kind and supportive.]
- I'm afraid that I have missed too much stuff that will never get taught again, and so I have permanently screwed myself because I'll never ever catch up. I'll always be missing this crucial stuff. [But this makes no sense, because stuff always gets retaught. No one ever learns it all perfectly on the first go-round. And the only way to remedy this is to get back into class, because the longer I stay out the more I miss. And the more I miss, the more behind I am. See #1 above.]
- I'm afraid that people are going to laugh at me behind my back. [Actually, I know that my teammates are kind people who wouldn't do this. And even if they were predisposed to it, I'm hardly wearing a target on my back; I've never been the one to shoot for to make a name for yourself. If anything I might become a learning lesson; I hope I can be another person who came back after a long layover and kept on training. No one ever really cares whether you came back to become a world champion-- they just care that you came back and kept on keepin' on.]